Do You Think Your Ex is the Only One For You?

There is a certain way of thinking that works against people when they break up with someone that almost certainly ruins their chances of getting back together with that person.

And that is the scarcity mindset.

Have you seen The Secret? One of its’ basic tenets is that if you think things are scarce you will indeed find it so.  So in effect, you are actually pushing away that which you desire.

After the breakup, have you ever thought “I’ll never love someone like I loved them,” or “they are the only one for me” or some other thought that makes it seem a little better than perhaps it was? This is because you are operating from a scarcity mindset, and as long as you think this way it will be tough to get them back.

Let’s explore this a little deeper, as it actually isn’t really your fault you feel this way. Without conscious knowledge of how this works, it’s almost impossible not to feel that way afterwards.

The scarcity principle (which explains how scarcity works in the mindset) states that opportunities become more attractive the less available they are.  Now, you’ve just gone from a situation where you had unlimited availability to your partner to one where you have no availability.  How attractive do they appear now?  Probably head, shoulders and torso more attractive than every other option.

The thing is, while these feelings feel as real as it gets (due to their intensity), a big part of that is the knee jerk reaction from having someone taken away from you that you had complete access to before.   If you’d like an example of how scarcity affects judgment, try to take a toy away from a child who isn’t even paying attention to it.  All of a sudden, they’ll want it pretty bad.

As Poison put it “don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

Hand in hand with this is the fact that after something ends humans tend to remember only the good things and marginalize the bad parts.  Not to get too dark, but have you ever been to a funeral where people profess the great qualities of someone even though you know they didn’t feel that way when the person was living? It’s kind of the same thing.

So not only are they more attractive due to unavailability, their good qualities become amplified, whereas the bad ones disappear like magic.

And that’s why it’s almost impossible not to have a scarcity mindset after being broken up with. Everyone feels that way, but things have to change if you really want them back.

First, you must know that if you contact them the words said and actions taken will push you farther away from them.  The only thing you can do is stay away.  It may seem like a good idea, letting your true feelings out to someone you care about, but you have to realize how this will go over.

You have to keep clear and get over this initial “they are my everything” stage if you truly want to get them back.  You have to have a plan, and meet them on equal terms.  Not only will you have lost the disadvantage of scarcity, you will have gained the advantage found here, as they will wonder what has changed about you.

If you keep this in mind and can control your actions, especially when you really need to talk to them, you’ll be well on your way to getting your ex back.