After an unexpected or unwanted breakup many things can swirl about through your head, and there are a few common questions that people mull over time and time again. In response, here are the answers to three of the most common.
With thoughts and feelings swirling around inside it can be tough to know what to do next. But you have to clear you mind of them, as it is tough to see what lies ahead when all you do is look over your shoulder. Also, when you’re not looking where you’re going there’s a good chance you can get tripped up.
1. How can I get my ex off my mind? Though not a common question, this is a step that has to be taken for you to get them back, because you have to have control of your feelings. The first thing to do is break routines. Take a different way to work, get up a bit earlier, try new things, or whatever, but just change things. A big part of this can be getting rid of things that remind you of them. You can keep a few keepsakes, but for the most part objects that you associate with them should be thrown away.
This includes online social contacts. There is no point in checking their status every time you log on – it’s self inflicted torture. Just keep their phone number.
You could start a new hobby or class and get in touch with a different social group, as removing items won’t help much if you end up spending a lot of time alone.
2. How long should I stay away from my ex? This one is hard to give a general answer to. It comes down to how fast you can change your perspective on the relationship. There are people who have made the instantly, others have changed in week, and yet for others it takes longer.
You’ll know when you’re ready to see your ex again because you’ll have had a couple of “Aha!” moments, you’ll know what went wrong, and you’ll know how you have to change to make it work this time. It takes different people different amounts of time, plus not all relationships end in the same way.
3. What’s the best way to contact my ex again? This also depends on your situation. If you can, you might try to bump into them “by chance” at a place you know they like to hang out. Just be sure you can conduct yourself in a way that doesn’t focus on them.
If you live apart and that is not practical a phone call is fine.
Just remember that to take this step you have to have turned the corner. Your ex knows you well, and is likely to spot anything fake a mile off. This will require a bit of planning on your part to make sure the interaction is a success.
Keep these rules in mind, but remember, nothing is set in stone as far as relationships are concerned. If you want to get your ex back, it comes down to how you handle yourself.
There is a certain way of thinking that works against people when they break up with someone that almost certainly ruins their chances of getting back together with that person.
And that is the scarcity mindset.
Have you seen The Secret? One of its’ basic tenets is that if you think things are scarce you will indeed find it so. So in effect, you are actually pushing away that which you desire.
After the breakup, have you ever thought “I’ll never love someone like I loved them,” or “they are the only one for me” or some other thought that makes it seem a little better than perhaps it was? This is because you are operating from a scarcity mindset, and as long as you think this way it will be tough to get them back.
Let’s explore this a little deeper, as it actually isn’t really your fault you feel this way. Without conscious knowledge of how this works, it’s almost impossible not to feel that way afterwards.
The scarcity principle (which explains how scarcity works in the mindset) states that opportunities become more attractive the less available they are. Now, you’ve just gone from a situation where you had unlimited availability to your partner to one where you have no availability. How attractive do they appear now? Probably head, shoulders and torso more attractive than every other option.
The thing is, while these feelings feel as real as it gets (due to their intensity), a big part of that is the knee jerk reaction from having someone taken away from you that you had complete access to before. If you’d like an example of how scarcity affects judgment, try to take a toy away from a child who isn’t even paying attention to it. All of a sudden, they’ll want it pretty bad.
As Poison put it “don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”
Hand in hand with this is the fact that after something ends humans tend to remember only the good things and marginalize the bad parts. Not to get too dark, but have you ever been to a funeral where people profess the great qualities of someone even though you know they didn’t feel that way when the person was living? It’s kind of the same thing.
So not only are they more attractive due to unavailability, their good qualities become amplified, whereas the bad ones disappear like magic.
And that’s why it’s almost impossible not to have a scarcity mindset after being broken up with. Everyone feels that way, but things have to change if you really want them back.
First, you must know that if you contact them the words said and actions taken will push you farther away from them. The only thing you can do is stay away. It may seem like a good idea, letting your true feelings out to someone you care about, but you have to realize how this will go over.
You have to keep clear and get over this initial “they are my everything” stage if you truly want to get them back. You have to have a plan, and meet them on equal terms. Not only will you have lost the disadvantage of scarcity, you will have gained the advantage found here, as they will wonder what has changed about you.
If you keep this in mind and can control your actions, especially when you really need to talk to them, you’ll be well on your way to getting your ex back.
